


Letters From Home

by CalledForMishap



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1990s, Army, BAMF Mary Winchester, Dean Just Wants To Be Loved, F/M, Gay Castiel, Gay Dean, Guilty John, He Ruins Everything, Heartbroken Everybody, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt Dean Winchester, John Doesn't Know How to Speak Like A Normal Human Being, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Loving Mary, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Sacrifice, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Soldier Dean, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Soulmates, Tragedy, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-05-16 08:34:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5821555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalledForMishap/pseuds/CalledForMishap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the 1990's and Dean Winchester has found his soulmate. Problem is, his father disagrees. This story is about how Dean would do anything to make his father see that he is still the man his father thought he was. And it's going to take enlisting in the army for him to do that. (Song Fic from the song "Letters From Home By John Michael Montgomery)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think! It's not a happy story, so turn back now if you don't want your heart ripped to shreds. I recommend listening to the song before, during, or after reading! Comments and kudos are much obliged! :)

Dean enlists in the fight in the army November 28th of 1990. He’s 19 years old, and as he bullheadedly tells his mother, ‘a grown ass man that’s fully capable of fighting for those that can’t.”  
He leaves for Iraq not even three weeks later, a rising bud of hope that he was finally doing something that would make his father proud after years of utter disappointment.  
~~~  
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s pass without much celebration.  
He receives a letter from his little brother Sammy saying that he missed out on their dad and Grandpa Campbell almost going to fists over who’s wife made the better apple pie and how Aunt Ellen and Uncle Bobby had had to break the two up. He writes about how he finally got the nerves to tell Jessica, the girl he’d been crushing on for over three years, that he liked her and would she be up for a date sometime. He writes that he should’ve followed Dean’s lead earlier because Jess had confessed that she had been pining after him for about the same amount of time and of course she’d love to go out with him. He also says to not let that get to Dean’s big head, otherwise it won’t fit in his helmet anymore, jerk. He ends the letter with a miss you that was so ‘Sam’, Dean almost cries.  
Sometimes Dean’s too busy to think about the things that he was missing out on, but other times during the middle of the night, when sleep refused to come, those were the only things he could think about; Like how he was missing out on seeing his little brother become a man and watch him fall in love with his girl. Or like how he could be falling in love all over again with his fiancé. Like stuffing himself with his mother’s good cooking on Thanksgiving and listening to his father and grandfather bicker and quarrel over who’s anything was better while sitting and watching the game. Like waking up early on Christmas day to watch his little brother’s face light up with joy at all the presents he received and then diving into Christmas lunch and dinner with his loved ones. Or the even smaller things like wrapping himself around his fiancé when he felt like it or pressing kisses to the soft skin that could only be that of his lover. Like hearing the rumble of his beloved Impala while he drove her around his hometown, smiling and waving at all the familiar faces he saw. Like just spending his day cuddled with his sweet while watching t.v. at his Uncle Bobby’s and listening to his cousin Jo gossip on the phone to her friends, his Uncle puttering around in his old library, and his Aunt Ellen griping about how the house was always so spectacularly dirty, no matter how many times she cleaned, and how it must be the work of her conniving husband. How no matter how bad of an insult she makes, her tough exterior crumbles when her husband emerges from his work and does his damnedest to fix what he’d done wrong, even if he was only making it worse. How she smiles and laughs and then pecks him on the cheek, giving Dean the almost perfect example of what true love’s supposed to look like, and how he’s going to be damned if he doesn’t do everything in his control to make his future marriage like that.  
His depression comes and goes, aligning almost in perfect sync with the battles that he fights, and the time between the letters that he receives from everyone.  
But it’s not like there’s any short supply of the letters. His fiancé and mom might not’ve been the happiest when he told them that he was enlisting, but they support him in everything he does and he’s got the two shoe boxes full of letters to prove it. And although the letters are a godsend in this hellhole, and he would do anything to make them keep coming in, Dean’s just a little disappointed when he opens a letter every time and doesn’t see the name that he so wishes to see at the bottom.  
As the days go by Dean’s disappointment and hurt turn into an almost obsessive need to prove himself, to whom he’s not entirely sure, but he delves deep and focuses completely on the fight at hand.  
~~~  
Before he knows it, it’s nearing the end of May, and he receives a letter from his mom.  
It’s during one of his few down times that he finally gets the chance to read it and feels a bit guilty that he hasn’t taken the time to write her in over two weeks. She tells him about how cute Sam and Jess are together, what she’s planted in her garden this year, how she adores the ring that his fiancé showed her for the first time since he’s left and how she wished he’d have told her so that they could’ve celebrated correctly, but that she understands why he didn’t and she doesn’t hold it against him. He tears up at the normalcy that his mother is so obviously striving for in the letter, writing as if he’s only away on a small trip instead of thousands of miles across sea fighting a war, but he holds them back and smiles sadly instead.

**_My Dearest Son, It's Almost June_ **

**_I Hope This Letter Catches Up With You_ **

  _ **And Finds You Well**_

_**It's Been Dry** _

**_But They're Callin' For Rain_ **

_**And Everything's the Same Old Same** _

_**In Johnsonville** _

_**Your Stubborn Old Daddy** _

_**Ain't Said Too Much** _

_**But I'm Sure You Know He Sends His Love** _

**_And She Goes On_ **

**_In A Letter From Home_ **

Dean’s thinking about his fiancé again, missing him with all his might.  
He thinks about all the things they’re going to do when he gets back to America. First, they’re going to have really hot, steamy, "you’re mine and I’m yours" sex, and then right after that they’re going to make slow, passionate, "I missed you so much" love. Then when they’ve finally gotten themselves reacquainted with each other’s bodies they’re going to sit down and talk about the wedding that they planned to have around September. Both topics make Dean blush covertly and yearn to be back in his lover’s arms that much more.  
Sexually he can only do so much with his right hand and he refuses to relieve some of the tension while looking at a picture that they had snapped together on the day that Dean had proposed, but it’s getting harder to remember exactly how deep his fiancé’s voice gets when aroused or how needy he gets beneath him as time goes on, and it positively terrifies him.  
He misses those bright blue eyes that Dean could stare into for the rest of eternity, no matter how chick-flick it sounds. He misses the way his hair looks like he’s just had rough and wild sex no matter how many times he tries to tame it. He misses the way he tilts his head in confusion at the pop culture references that Dean makes that go over his head.  
He just misses Cas so damn much he almost weeps when he gets his next letter from him.

_**My Dearest Love It's Almost Dawn** _

_**I've Been Lyin' Here All Night Long** _

_**Wonderin' Where You Might Be** _

**_I Saw Your Momma_ **

_**And I Showed Her The Ring** _

**_Man On The Television_ **

_**Said Something**_  

_**So I Couldn't Sleep** _

_**But I'll Be Alright** _

**_I'm Just Missin' You_ **

_**And This Is Me Kissin' You** _

_**X's and O's** _

_**In A Letter From Home** _

At the age of sixteen, Dean had come to the shocking discovery that he didn’t like girls as much as he thought he had.  
For years the feeling that he had gotten when bringing a girl home and seeing his father’s face of approval in the form of a wide, proud smirk, was beyond compare.  
But as time went on, bringing home a girl felt more like a chore than an actual desire.  
Of course, he’d had a couple of long-term relationships, but none that’d lasted.  
There was Lisa Braeden, smoking hot captain of the cheerleading squad, with boobs that could rival a model’s and flexibility that made things all sorts of fun. She had lasted the longest at a year and a half before she had called it quits to be with the star quarterback of the football team. His dad had seemed to take the breakup worse than he had and he had been reluctant to engage with another girl.  
Of course, after being asked every time for the next three months whether he had gotten himself a girl to hang off his arm yet from his father, he finally delved into the dating world again. This time he steered clear of the bimbos and got together with a smart, quiet girl named Anna Milton. Of the two relationships he had definitely enjoyed this one far more even though his father didn’t seem entirely on board with the fact that she was part of the book club instead of the cheerleading squad. They had lasted almost six months when one day Dean had met the boy of his undiscovered dreams.  
His name was Castiel Novak and by god he was everything that Dean could ever have wished for. For almost two weeks straight he was all that Dean could see, unknowingly leaving his girlfriend sitting in the shadows, but fortunately, sweet Anna understood what was going on and told him to get his shit together and ask the poor guy out. Dean felt bad for ditching her, especially after pretty much ignoring her completely for weeks, but she smacked him lightly over the head and told him that it was fine, she was fine, but she would be better once she saw Dean with the person that could make him happy. Dean kissed her right then and there, wondering where in the world he had gotten such an understanding ex, and they parted on great terms, still continuing to be close friends for the rest of his high school career.  
He had followed Anna’s advice and had gone straight to Cas, asking him in a shy voice if he would like to go on a date with him. Cas had accepted just as shyly and a month and one week later they were dubbed by many of their friends as the cutest couple in their class.  
But there was one thing that Dean was still scared shitless of doing, and that was bringing Cas home.  
Although some people would have trouble believing the badass, leather wearing, womanizer that was Dean Winchester was gay, Dean himself had had almost no trouble accepting his sudden change in sexuality. He knew his mother and brother wouldn’t have any issues either. His mother loved him deeply and unconditionally, and Sam was Sam. He would treat Dean the same if he was gay, straight, or a ten foot tall alien with six eyes.  
The only one he knew was going to have a problem with it was his dad, and he was scared shitless of what he would do/say.  
The night he brought Cas home and revealed his sexuality to his parents was the night that his father practically disowned him and sent him packing. It was only his father’s undying love for his wife, Mary, that allowed his fag of a son to live under the same roof as him, his words exactly.  
Dean was later told that after he had left, his boyfriend in tow, his mom had fought tooth and nail with his father, threatening to grab Sam and leave John if he didn’t let Dean back into the house, and John had begrudgingly acquiesced.  
After that things between father and son were just slightly better than sworn enemies. Dean tried everything he could to make his father accept him again…well all except the one thing that would fix things, but no way in hell was he leaving his soulmate just because his jackass of a father couldn’t accept him. He’d do anything but that, and that’s why he found himself enlisting.  
If there was anything, anything left that Dean could do to prove to his father that he was just as much a man as he was when he had been straight, this was it.  
And so he had left, much to the displeasure of his fiancé, whom he had proposed to the day he had enlisted, mother, and brother.  
And it was all for someone that hadn’t even acknowledged that he’d left in the first place.  
~~~  
Three weeks before the end of his enlistment, Dean gets the letter he’s been praying for over ten months.  
It’s from his father…and this time when he reads it, he does cry.  
Dean’s not sure if John has finally accepted that Dean isn’t who he thought he was or if he’s just trying to apologize for all the shit he’s thrown at Dean over the past few years, but Dean cherishes every word as if they’re gold, and in Dean’s case he supposes they kinda are. He takes the time to write out a letter to his father, doing the entire thing over three times before he gets it to be the way he wants it. But before he can drop it off at the mail tent, his troop is called into action and his enveloped letter is forgotten on his cot.

_**Dear Son, I know I Ain't Written** _

_**I'm sittin' Here Alone in the Kitchen** _

_**It Occurs To Me** _

_**I Might Not Have Said It** _

_**So I'll say it now** _

_**"Son, You Make Me Proud"** _

~~~  
**On August 23rd of 1991 Dean Winchester, son of John and Mary Winchester, brother of Sam Winchester, and fiancé of Castiel Novak was killed in action. Cause of death was a piece of shrapnel through the heart as he jumped on top of a detonating bomb. Because of his actions, his fellow soldiers were able to survive and finish the mission with no other casualties.**  
~~~  
The funeral was held at the local church and it was filled with those that had fallen in love with the man that was Dean Winchester, new and old.  
His closest friends from Iraq were present; Benny Lafitte, Adam Milligan, Fergus Crowley, Garth Fitzgerald IV, and Ash Miles. Each spoke a different story, all with varying degrees of tears, and in Garth’s case, sobs, of Dean’s bravery in Iraq and how they wouldn’t’ve wanted anyone else watching their backs.  
Sam was up to speak next but he didn’t get far. As soon as his devastated, tear-puffed eyes looked out into the crowd and saw the same heartbroken look on his face reflected on his friends and family’s faces, he broke. He couldn’t just stand there and try to sum up his entire brother in a few words to a bunch of people that wouldn’t understand all that he was.  
Who Dean was more than anything someone could describe and who Dean was as a brother to Sam was something completely foreign to others.  
So he dropped to his knees next to the casket, laid his head atop the flag that represented who Dean had been for the past ten months, and sobbed so brokenly that the angels above in the heavens wept with him.  
He was carried back to the pews in Bobby’s arms, head dug deep into his uncle’s neck as he sobbed at all the injustices of having his brother torn from his life in such an unfair way.  
His mother and father were scheduled to go next, followed by Castiel, but all three of them were too far into their grief to go up.  
How could you explain to someone the pain you were feeling over losing your first born baby boy? How could you make someone understand the helplessness of it all? How could you make someone feel the pain you felt as you lost the baby that you had grown in your stomach for nine months and watched grow and mature for 19 years after that? How could you make someone believe the unjustness of a mother outliving her son? How?  
How could you explain what it felt to have spent the last three years of your eldest son’s life treating him like dirt just because he loved a man instead of a woman? How could you explain to someone that it was your fault that your son had felt like the only thing he could do to prove himself to you was enlist in the army and you had completely disregarded his sacrifice? How could you explain to people how bad you felt seeing your wife and youngest write your son a letter and then not write one yourself for all of ten months? How could you explain to someone that you knew exactly what it felt like to be overseas fighting a war thousands of miles away from your family and forbid your son something that you knew he needed to get through things when they got bad? How could you make someone feel the pain you felt when you realized your son probably died hating you? That your weak excuse of an apology was too little too late? How?  
How could you explain to someone the pain you were feeling over losing your other half? How could you explain to someone the anguish of all your dreams of the future crashing down upon you, as the person you had envisioned yourself with was now lying broken in a wooden casket covered in the American flag? How could you make someone feel the broken-heartedness of knowing that he was your one true love and that you were going to be left a widower at the age of 18? How could you make someone feel the pain you felt when you found out your fiancé had died on the day you two had started dating, which was exactly one month away from the day that the two of you were finally going to become husband and husband? How?  
So they didn’t.  
Bobby, Ellen, and Jo took strength from each other and went up to the front as a trio and spoke of Dean as he’d like to be spoken about. They told of old memories that made most of the church laugh sadly. They told them about the good times, the bad times, and everything in-between. They told embarrassing stories and sweet stories. They told stories about Sam and Dean and then later the budding love between Dean and Cas. They ended their speech together with a few teary eyes, but wide watery smiles. They turned and each added a kiss to the framed picture of Dean sitting atop the casket and then ran a hand lovingly along the casket as they each followed each other to their seats.  
The mood in the church was brought down swiftly again when Deanna and Samuel Campbell made their way to the front. Following the Singer’s lead, Deanna and Samuel told stories of Dean as their first grandchild and the very educational first four years they had with him as the only grandchild. They told of Dean’s many traits that set him apart and above of most boys his age and then they turned things bitter. Deanna leaned into her husband as she sobbingly blamed John for sending her grand baby to war to get killed. Samuel held on tight, tears tracking down his own face, as he glared murderously at John, no doubt accusing his son-in-law of killing his eldest grandson.  
John didn’t think they knew exactly how far his guilt actually went or how much he had loved his son even when he hadn’t said so.  
The rest of the service went by in a blur, old friends and new friends coming up to say a word or two about the hero that was Dean. By this time, Dean’s close family was so done with the repeating words and formal apologies that they were getting. Nothing these people could do would bring back their Dean. Nothing these people could do would make any of this better.  
~~~  
To John, Mary, Sam, Castiel, and the Singer’s, there was absolutely nothing worse than seeing the headstone that marked all that was left of Dean Winchester.  
  
_**Here Lies Dean Winchester**_  
_**Brother, Son, Fiancé, Soldier, Hero, and Friend To All**_  
_**“You Are Forever and Always the Hero**_  
_**Of My Heart”**_  
_**R.I.P**_

  
To Castiel, it was the death stamp of his soulmate.  
To John and Mary, it was the death stamp of their little boy.  
To Sam, it was the death stamp of his big brother, his guardian, his hero.  
To the Singer’s it was the death stamp of their little nephew that grew up to be the best man they had ever known.  
To all of them, it was finality. It meant it was all real. He wasn’t theirs anymore.  
Dean was gone.  
He wasn’t coming home.


	2. Dean's Letter to John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Dean was ripped from the world of the living, he had written his father a letter in response to his father finally sending him one. This is that letter that was forgotten on his bunk that fateful day.

_Dear Dad,_   
_I..I don’t really know what to write. For months I’ve waited for you to acknowledge that I was gone, and now that you have, I don’t know how to react._   
_I know it was hard for you to learn that I was in love with a guy. I also know how hard it was for you to accept that I was in love with said guy. But it’s the truth. I am in love with Castiel, and nothing you do or say will ever make me stop loving him. I wanted to tell you before I left, and I’m sure you’ve found out from mom or Sammy by now, but I proposed to him. He said yes, and we plan to have the wedding when I get back. To be honest with you, I was scared that you wouldn’t accept our love at face value and deny us the chance to be married, to be together and whole. I was scared that as soon as you told me no I wouldn’t have the strength to fight you. Because even though I say that what you say or do won’t make me stop loving Cas, I still respect you so much, Dad, that if it was your wish, I’d cancel the wedding. Lord help me, I wouldn’t be able to marry the love of my life just because my homophobic father said I couldn’t. All because you’ve been my hero since day one and I’ve still got the little boy in me that refuses to go against you. And that scares the shit out of me._   
_So when I read your letter, I prayed that it was your fucked up way of telling me that you had accepted me. Had accepted Cas and I together. And I hoped. I hoped that maybe now, I’d be able to ask you for your blessing and you’d grant it. Because, god, Dad, I don’t think I could live if you told me no. I don’t think I’d ever be able to forgive you either._   
_I know the past few years haven’t been the greatest between the two of us. There was some shitty stuff said and even shittier things done, but I’m willing to forgive. I’ll never be able to forget, and there will always be some part of me that’ll hate you, but I promise it won’t be big enough to notice. I’m willing to forgive for Cas. I’m willing to forgive for mom and Sam who had to butt between the two of us while we fought. I’m willing to forgive because of the terrible shit I’ve seen here. But most of all, I’m willing to forgive for myself, because if I lived the rest of my life hating you, I wouldn’t be living the life that I promised to Cas when I asked him to be mine._   
_I know it’s a lot to ask. I know you aren’t going to change overnight. You’re John Winchester, traditionalist to the bone. I know you aren’t going to be comfortable with Cas and I for a loong time, but I guess I’m saying that this could be the first step towards normal? I mean, you don’t have to. I’m not trying to guilt you into anything or make you feel like it’s my way or no way. I just…I’d really like it if we could go back to being father and son. I miss you, Dad. And it hurts knowing that you feel like I’m not the man I used to be just because I love Cas instead of some girl. I know you’d like him a whole lot if you just tried to get to know him. He’s quirky and quiet, but in the best ways. He’s the smartest person I’ve ever met, and knows more useless facts than Sammy does. He keeps me sane, Dad. If I could be half the man he is, I’d be a fucking saint. He’s my other half, and it hurts like a bitch knowing that you’ve treated him like shit. He doesn’t deserve it, Dad. I might, but he sure as hell doesn’t._   
_I…um…well, before I left Cas and I talked and even though we know you don’t agree with us, Cas and I agreed that we’d like you to walk one of us down the aisle. Cas’ father isn’t around anymore and even though things have been rocky, if you’d accept, and if we choose to go that way, Cas would like you to walk him down the aisle. We still haven’t meshed out the nitty gritty details, like who’s going to walk down the aisle, and some of it was because we were waiting on what you were going to do. You’re a big part of my life, even if we haven’t been acting like it, and I wanted you to be apart of my biggest day in all ways possible._   
_So. I guess here it is. The stuff I should’ve bucked up and asked months ago._   
_Will you grant Castiel Novak and I the blessing of marriage?_   
_And if it’s a yes for the former, would you do us the biggest blessing of all of walking one of us down the aisle?_   
_You have no idea how much I look up to you, Dad. And I just hope I’m not ruining whatever we had when you sent the letter._   
_I love you, Dad._   
_Dean_


End file.
